Turning the Hearts of the Fathers to their Children

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  “Honor your father and mother” [this is the first commandment with a promise], “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. [Ephesians 6:1-4]

A newly born child does not quickly begin to walk or to run as many wildlife animals do but he takes time to learn many things and to develop the skills needed for successful living. Ephesians 6:1-4 show us the strong and long-term relationship which exists between children and their parents. These verses contain a commandment, warning, instruction and promise which I would like us to look at in a two or three part series starting with verse four today.

Where many families in Southern Africa, and indeed many fathers are not directly involved in the training and instruction of their children, relegating that function to their wives or some other relation, the Bible insists that that is a primary role every father should take in the family. I always tell people when we conduct marriage and family seminars that the book of Proverbs is largely a book written to inform fathers and mothers on how to impart godly wisdom to their children and the content to teach and train them. Look for example at the number of times a father or parent instructs their child, son or daughter in almost every chapter of Proverbs. 

“Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and forsake not your mother's teaching” [Proverbs 1:8] shows that both the father and the mother should be involved in raising their children.

“My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you” [Proverbs 3:1-2]. Those who fear the Lord find eternity in God. 

My son, be attentive to my wisdom; incline your ear to my understanding … For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil, but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. [Proverbs 5:1-4]. Here is wisdom in these verses, and a subject that many parents shun to teach their children especially those in the areas we minister in. But there is doom for children if the parents do not fulfil their role to deal with these issues with their children themselves.

Fathers, … bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord

From these and other verses we see how a father and a mother and anyone who plays a parental role can apply the words of Deuteronomy 6:4-9 to train up their children in the way he should go; the way of the Lord [Proverbs 22:6]. Ephesians 6:4 specifically commands fathers to discipline and instruct their children. It is however unfortunate that many people were not raised to go the way of the Lord, but were raised by their fathers in anger, guilt or threats of abandonment which created fear in them. Others have been left without discipline and became like illegitimate children. 

We have the greatest example of Fatherhood in God who disciplines those He loves and it shows that they are His children [Hebrews 12:5-13] and not illegitimate. God the Father trains, teaches and guides us by His word and has given us the Holy Spirit through whom we know His will. He illuminates the word of God for us to live godly lives that please Him. The earthly fathers do not have to worry much about the content because Ephesians 6:4 tells us it is the discipline and instruction of the Lord. 

Now, there are many different cultures where we live in Southern Africa so much that we cannot name them all. But there are cultures where instead of the father happily disciplining and teaching his own children, they are sent to a relative who in some cultures is considered a wise man or woman, or one who is considered the owner of the children by the culture yet he or she is actually an uncle. 

The discipline of the father may be painful and it is necessary for the growth of and development of a child’s character. We grew up thinking that discipline only means the use of the stick [Proverbs 13:24, 23:13-14] but it is more than just that. Now, the word discipline also means “to initiate: - dedicate, train up” according to Strong’s dictionary and I like that it means to initiate because there are cultures that send their children for ungodly initiation ceremonies where they are taught about sex and other rituals. It is to those things that they unwittingly dedicate their children thinking good will come out of it. they will be training the children to do unrighteous deeds.

Others have told me that their initiation ceremonies do not involve anything sexual but that the children are taught how to respect the elders and that they should not enter their parents’ bedrooms. And that is where we see parental failure right there because how can the parents wait until their children are twelve or thirteen years for them to know what the respect of elders is? These are things that the parents are supposed to teach their children from very tender ages. It is your child you have to train not your niece or nephew, if they have living parents.

Ephesians 6:4 is given for fathers to discipline their children from their impressionable ages. Some leave it when it is too late or they use harshness when disciplining their children. I know this because I grew up in an environment full of anger and I learned to be angry from a young age and became angry at my children many times. I regret some of the things I did and said to them because it was not the right thing to do before the Lord. Look, I am not the best father, believe me, I know better men than me and my children know both my good anger and bad anger and they have also seen and heard me ask them for forgiveness where I saw that I messed up in disciplining them. Children need to see their parents express good anger when sin has been committed or when an injustice has been done or when the word of the Lord has been deliberately twisted.  When a father disciplines or punishes a child, that is a pointer and warning about the greater punishment which will be inflicted on those who do not submit to the Lordship of Jesus. Out children will not question or deny that God also punishes people in Hell. 

In Ephesians 6:4a, Paul says “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger …” or as the New International Version reads, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children”, and the words provoke and exasperate give the impression of deep vexation, frustration and anger. Not many fathers or parents take heed of this verse because they do not think they err in any way. It is also un-African to hear a parent apologising to a child but believe you me there are many children who are angry with their fathers for not only illtreating, abusing and being absent from their lives but they are angry at them because of the way they treated their mothers. In the past month I have heard from two men during our conferences who said they beat up their fathers at some point when they abused their mothers. I am not saying that was the right thing for them to do, but it shows the extent to which the fathers provoked their children.

The father’s role is a great responsibility and he is expected to provide for the family and that is not all; Fathers must love their children. We have been brought up in a world where people think that love is supposed to be given by mothers alone and that it is a weakness if shown by men. It certainly is not a weakness but great strength and we should know that the weakness of God is stronger than men [1 Corinthians 1:25]. The Bible tells us that God is our Father and that He is love. Now in Him is no weakness but strength and sin has robbed many and distorted the role of men to love that Paul had to write the command, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself up for it” to correct this sin bent [Ephesians 5:25] seen also in marriages. 

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About The Author:

Pastor Sam Machacka is co-founder of Brink Ministries Southern Africa. A wonderful colleague and good friend. Equipping Pastors and Church leaders in Southern Africa. He grew up in Harare, Zimbabwe with his beautiful wife Mildred and they are blessed with three lovely children namely Samantha, Munashe and Joshua but they are now serving as missionaries in Malawi since August 2018

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